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How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!