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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.