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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.