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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
I only accept apologies in cash.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.