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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.