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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!