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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.