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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.