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I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.