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Home is where the pants aren`t.
Your personality needs alcohol.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.