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Will be drunk until further notice.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.