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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married