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I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.