Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.