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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
I wish karma would send me email notifications.