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I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Don’t jump to confusions.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today