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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.