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I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective