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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry