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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.