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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.