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Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do