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It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.