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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.