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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.