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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
If you think my post are bad, you should see my choice in men.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.