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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.