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I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.