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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
exercise........you mean extra fries
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all