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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.