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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.