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How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Long story short, I love summaries
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.