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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work