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I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.