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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.