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Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?