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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.