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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do
Are walruses just vampire manatees?