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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.