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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Never trust a skinny chef
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.