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I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin