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Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)