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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
i don`t know what to say on your comment so i just hit "like" so you won`t be upset that ignored you.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.