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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.