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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.