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People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.