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Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.