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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.