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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
Wanna have a little fun? Post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!