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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.