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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
What number SPF blocks people?
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Siri, where are my pants?
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.