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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
Please: No,No.No-More about how you think relationships should be: we`ve got it , Your Single,,- get off facebook and go take your own expert advise...
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal