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Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves