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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.