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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.