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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
I`ve given up on giving up.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?