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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY