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I donβt think itβs a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
No YouP*rnβ¦ I do not want to play poker, Iβm at work for crying out loud.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
I am the undefeated champion of thisβsmooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-donβt-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-dayβ game.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Sometimes itβs just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
I know itβs rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Donβt cry because itβs over. Smile because your fingerprints arenβt in the database.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.