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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.