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I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.