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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?