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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.