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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.