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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.