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I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.