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Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.