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To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when Iām done.