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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?