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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.