Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?