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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw