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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"ā¦
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when Iām awake.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
How`d this get posted?