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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day