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Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"