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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.