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IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
I need more people like me in my life
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.