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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?