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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.