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I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait