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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Home is where the pants aren’t.