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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!