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Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."