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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.