Daily Silly Status

Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!

I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing

I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.

I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.

I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.

A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.

If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?

"But why?" - Me at weddings

Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect

Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."

My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.