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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks