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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.