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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool