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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
I hate when the remote is way over there
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."