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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.