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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.