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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.