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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.