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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"