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When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?