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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Hell hath no fury like me when Iām slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
Some people should come with subtitles.