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The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.