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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...