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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.