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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
It needs more cowbell!!
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.