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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
High-five a veteran today.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.