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Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.