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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."