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This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.