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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.