Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"