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To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO