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We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.