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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it