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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.