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According to my nipples, summer is over
i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
I like people... From a distance.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...