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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
Iām simply on reserve for the one who deserves
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.