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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”