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Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...