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I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.