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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
The naked truth is better, than d dressed-up lie :) Aa
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom