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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.