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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
If people could read my mind, Iād get punched in the face a lot.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly