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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.