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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here