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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?