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Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
That`s not how I met your mother.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.