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In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
I have nothing!
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?