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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.