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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.